Love the Little Things

Recently I was explaining to my future sister - in - law, that I used to be fun. This sentence made me think, "What else did I 'used to be?'" I think I used to be a lot of things. I used to be active. I used to be silly. I used to be optimistic, inspired and hopeful. I used to get paid to make people laugh, for goodness sakes! So much of those great qualities have been toned down. Most of the time I am self centered and full of my own pain. I'd like to say that most days it is just physical pain, but honestly, most days it is physical and emotional pain. This pity party is for the birds and I would rather be partying somewhere else.

So here goes...I am going to be myself. I am going to pray for others, I am going to serve others, I am going to use the phone for more than just people watching on Face Book. I am going to focus on the little things to remember what is great. 

Here is my first try at looking at the little stuff...

Last week my little guy (who really is getting medium sized) read a book to his little sister, while she hugged him. 

Earlier this week he said, "I'm sorry I was being rude." 

Two days ago he earned a really cool Lego set for not hitting anyone all week. 

Yesterday he said "OK" when asked to do a chore. 

Today his big sister held his hand as we read a book. 

These are all little things but they sure add up!

About a year ago he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, anxiety disorder and ADHD. Yikes...What a combo!! Since then he has also been diagnosed with Celiac Disease, tree-nut allergies and sleep apnea. He would be so out of control that he would hurt himself and others. He would scream terrible things at people. There were times I locked myself, and the girls in a room so they wouldn't hear or see things that would hurt them. During all of this, the rest of life had to happen. Two little girls had to be taken care of, a marriage had to be focused on, responsibilities of work and volunteering had to be fulfilled. Life had to keep going.

However, we did not have to live, life like that forever. We have been blessed by training, medication and support. This little man, often has peace in his brain and calmness in his body. He has been on playdates, invited to birthday parties and involved with sports teams. He has come so far. 

So to all the pity I feel for myself as I struggle with pain that limits me from being who I want to be...I say "Ehh..." and decide I will not sweat the big stuff but rejoice in the small stuff. 

The Descent Is Guided

I wrote this at a very low point in my life. As I read it I thought "who would want to read this! It is such a downer!" but now looking back I remember that I write this thing in hopes that others may find encouragement so here you go:

When you hit bottom it isn't an automatic "splat, I'm here." It is a slow dropping. I say dropping because I'm in God's hands the whole time. As He allows me to go further and further into misery I know He is guiding the descent. As I'm being dropped He allows me to hit some bumps, shields  me from others, let's me run full force into some holes, and steers me clear of some alluring trails.

I don't understand why I'm being dropped but I understand who is in charge of the way down. 

It is the same God that will bring me up. The same loving Lord that will hold me as I ascend out of this despair. The same Father that heals me as He guides my way. 

So to all this pain and yuck I say "Ehh..." because I know that The Lord is here. I recognize Him as my redeemer who will lift me up, in His hands and in His time. I will pray with thanksgiving for the sorrow He has kept me from. I pray with a heart of gratitude for the trials I have faced knowing He has a plan. I pray with expectation that He will carry me up soon.

The Worst!

When trials hit us we often think, "this is the worst thing ever!" When the pain of life seems unbearable we compare it to the worst of what we have had and determine, this must be worse than all that other stuff.

When I was a sophomore in high school and I lost the student council elections by two votes, that was the worst.

When I graduated high school and had to move away from my boyfriend, that was the worst.

When I was a sophomore in college and I got a C in editing, that was the worst. 

When I was 19 and I wanted to go on a missions trip but my parents said no, that was the worst. 

When I was graduating college and my boyfriend said "I love you and I'll call you when I get home," and never called, that was the worst.

When I didn't get the job I thought I was meant for, that was the worst.

When we were struggling financially and someone told me, "aren't you too old to be buying Ramen Noodles," that was the worst.

When my co-teacher got fired under suspicious circumstances, that was the worst.

When I was teaching and got hit by a student, that was the worst.

When we had to move, that was the worst.

When I was diagnosed with a thyroid disease, that was the worst.

When I had a late term fatality and had to deliver, that was the worst.

When I had to have surgery to repair my body after the delivery, that was the worst.

When I had radiation to treat my body, that was the worst. 

When we moved to another country, that was the worst.

When my husband worked a lot, that was the worst.

When my baby was in ICU, that was the worst.

When we moved from the other country, that was the worst.

When my husband traveled a lot, that was the worst.

When my husband didn't work, that was the worst.

When my mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer, that was the worst.

When my mom was sick, that was the worst.

When my daughter wouldn't talk to me, that was the worst.

When my son was diagnosed with autism, that was the worst.

When we couldn't sell our house, that was the worst.

When my husband's job ended, that was the worst.

When I read this list and realize, there is more to come, that is the worst. 

We are never done growing. We are never done learning or changing or coping. It is easy to look at all this junk and ask "why does all this happen to me?" We search for why our God would allow these things to happen. Is it for my good? Is it for someone else's benefit? Will I suffer long? What joy will come from this? We look for a reason. Our focus is so specific to the one, or two or (yuck!) three issues we are dealing with at the time. We have a hard time seeing all the other things happening around us. 

A friend recently told me, she learned to look at the Reason not just the reason. Right now you are probably saying, "she wrote she got a C in editing, but that sentence really doesn't make sense!" :-) The reason (with a little r) can drive us nutty. Searching and searching can make us think we understand God. But His ways are higher than our's and we will not understand His wisdom (Isaiah 55:8-9). We can't possibly understand how our "worsts" fit into His plan. However, when we look at the Reason (with a big r) we can put our focus on what really matters. Looking to Jesus as not just the Reason for the Season, but as the Reason for our life, can drastically change our point of view. We are called to focus on what is true and pure and lovely. (Philippians 4:8) Only one has all those qualities. When we can look at Jesus, we see there is no evil in good. There is no trail too lofty or difficult. We are to bring glory to our Reason. Bringing glory to Him can look all sorts of ways, but one thing would be not to dwell on the worsts but to focus on The Best. 

So to the "worsts" in life, I say, "Ehh..." and know that God has a plan for my pain and it is to bring glory to His son and that is all I need. 

Fitting Isn't It?

It is way easier to trust when things look good.

We are selling our house...ahh trying to selling our house. It has been tough. It doesn't make any sense to me. But lots of stuff isn't making sense lately. We have so many things in the last year that "should" have turned out so differently. So "abnormal" that is must be divine. God must have a plan that makes even the stuff that seems weird, right. If pain is brought from something that "shouldn't" have happened perhaps it is suppose to? I get that this sounds simple. I get that this sounds like it makes sense, but it is super hard to trust as you set about your everyday. Especially when lots of hard things are happening at the same time.

God has a history of making glorious things happen by using people or situations that didn't seem like they would be the right fit.

Peter didn't seem to get the stuff that Jesus was trying to teach. Yet Jesus called him the Rock. I wonder if Peter was like..."don't you mean sand? The stuff you say just seems to slip right through." Moses didn't want to be a leader yet he followed God and trusted Him to do wonderful things through him. I'm sure it didn't seem to fit that the Pharoh's adopted son would be the one so help the Jewish people. God had the Savior of the world come from a tiny, unknown town. No wonder people asked "is this the carpenter's son?" Didn't seem to fit. Saul persecuted believers before he became Paul, a warrior for Christ. I bet that didn't settle well. And for goodness sakes...Abraham couldn't have kids and was told his descendants would out number the stars. Of course he had trouble believing that and took things into his own hands.

With all these examples why should I be surprised that my life doesn't seem to fit the idea of what I thought God would need for me to be His servant? I thought He would need me to be well spoken. I thought He would need me to be well organized. I thought He would need me to be calm. I thought He would need me to be showered...well that one is probably important. But really He doesn't need me at all. God allows us to bring Him glory. He doesn't need me to do it. But He allows me to feel joy from talking about Him. He allows me to feel peace by believing in Him. He allows me to bring Him glory by seeing the work He does in my life.

So perhaps if I focus on these things, it will be easier to trust He will use, all these things that don't seem to fit, to bring Him glory. No matter how I think it looks I can see how He uses each day to bring glory to Himself. And really that is a promise I can always trust. So to my house not selling and my family being a mess...I say Ehh...and trust God to work in the things that don't seem to fit.

Does Anyone Really Change?

So I started this writing thing back when 33 sounded old. Life was probably so much different then but it doesn't seems like it.

I have traveled to many places and lived in lots of spots. I have had another child and taken care of many. I have read a lot of books and watched even more television. I have had loads of conversations and tons of arguments. I have laughed a bunch and cried a lot. I have taught some and learned much. But what does it matter? Am I basically the same as I used to be? I had troubles then, I've got them now. I had joys then, I have them now. I had flabby thighs then and still drag them with me now. 

But surely we grow. Surely we change. Otherwise it wouldn't be said that the older are wiser. Experience must make us adapt. Right?

Just today I said, "I'm so glad this is happening to the me of now, not the me of 10 years ago." I went on to explain that a few years ago I would have been too self-conscious to deal with my current life. Too wrapped up in myself to cope. I'm still self conscious. But I have had to let go of so much. Recently my son was diagnosed with Aspergers. It was a long road to get to this spot. Never did I think the little guy that sang me songs and cuddled me would shout at me and hit me. Never did I think a situation would rock my family, my health and my faith. But all this has happened. And I have had to figure out what to do and how to do it. So how can a woman who hates to make phone calls...call over 15 different offices for referrals and appointments? How can a girl who didn't leave the house with out make up...leave for the day, often without showering or brushing her teeth? How can a lady who thrives on verbal affirmation...hear "you don't know anything!" over and over? How can a person who struggles with anger...walk away after getting hit repeatedly? How can this be me? 

God promises that He isn't finished with me. He promises that He began a good work in me and that He will bring it to completion (Philippians 1:6). So to the question of am I growing, I say "Ehh..." and  believe that because of His promise...I am growing, I am changing, I am getting better...In Christ.

Not So Great

I am not an expert on anything. I can pretty much talk about anything. Government…check. Tabloids…check. Travel…check. Children…check. Marriage…check. Environment…check. I can even dabble a little in painters and literature and Princess Kate. But give me 10 minutes and I’m done. I will quickly have to move on to something different or make a joke. Basically I’m not great at any one topic.

I am not super talented at anything. I can pretty much do any activity. Singing…check. Softball…check. Biking…check. Acting…check. Volleyball…check. Improv…check. I can even dabble a little in ping pong and cheerleading and competitive chatting. But put me on a team and I’m done. I will quickly show my limits and make a joke. Basically I’m not great at any one event.

I am not wonderful at relationships. I am pretty much everything. Daughter…check. Sister…check. Friend…check. Wife…check. Mom…check. I can even dabble in co-worker and volunteer and Emcee. But I forget to make calls. I take forever to answer texts. My inbox is always full. Basically I’m not great at any one role.

I am not so great. But…

I am loved. I have no reason I should be. I have nothing really to offer. I have not done anything so terrible or anything so great…I have just been. I cannot earn or loose the love I have been given. For this I am truly grateful. I would like to say this love makes me a better at conversations, activities and relationships, and perhaps it does, but it doesn’t matter. I am loved.

“Jesus loves me. This I know. For the Bible tells me so…”

True love is God’s love for us…1 John 4:10

…God is Love 1 John 4:8

 For God so loved the world that He gave His only son…John 3:16

So to the lack of wonderfulness I am, I say “Ehh…” and relax in knowing God loves me just the way I am.

I bet we all feel this way sometimes. It is just good to remember that we are not the only ones. J

Speaking of status quo...

Recently I read, "Is there a conversation God is trying to initiate with you?" So I began asking God is there anything He needs to tell me that I haven't been quiet enough to hear? I had the feeling He was telling me to write. So I found an entry that I didn't publish written right before my last move. Perhaps God just wants someone to read it. So here we go:

I can’t understand why God would want to take us when we aren’t done. I have a ministry I love and feel productive, I have a community of lovely ladies whom I wanted to continue talk to about Jesus and a church with wonderful people and great teaching. I have yet to show the world around me how great God is. So with all the things unfinished why am I leaving? My life seems so fragmented. I don’t keep in touch with the people from the last spot. Why would I keep in touch with these people? Not because they aren’t wonderful but because I’m terrible at communication. I don’t do it. I get wrapped up in the here and now. Why talk on the phone to a person far away when I’ll run into someone at school?

That got me thinking. If all my friendships are based on proximity, how deep can they be? Do I mostly speak about the things happening around town or with the kids? Shouldn’t my conversations be about things that matter? 

But really these things DO matter. Often people just want someone to listen about the terribleness of their status quo. They don’t want to talk about the deepness of life. Have I not done my job for Jesus if I’m not witnessing to people? Or is it enough to show the world what Christ is like by listening to their troubles? To genuinely show the love God has for others by being a shoulder to cry on, a voice to laugh with, legs to run and walk with, combined with a heart that cares.

I love my kitchen window. As I stand at the sink I can look out to the street. I live on the corner where two streets meet. It is a walk way so many take to get into the shops. Past my window I see so much life. I will miss that window. I will miss the friends that walk by. So many of them I pray for as they pass my way. One who walks past with her family at least once a day, has a rekindled love for God that I pray will grow and grow. One I see with her dog on a walk or bike with the kids and I pray that she will feel a need for God and have it fulfilled. Another does not walk by often. But when she does I can see the troubled look on her face and I pray she would cling to God for her rest.

Will I ever see these ladies again…I don't know.  This world seems so far away from the one I am  going to. In my ideal world we all sit together at the pub once a week and laugh at our silly kids, cry at our bleak moments and talk through our plans for challenges. I pray that heaven rejoices when they get there. I pray my eternity with God can be shared with them. I pray forgiveness for the times I could have spoken more boldly. I pray forgiveness for the times I made Christianity look bad. 

To all these unknowns...I say "Ehh...it isn't me that wins souls for God. It is the Holy Spirit. I can only be a willing vessel."