The Little Things

I've been having trouble being positive lately. So much new and so much responsibly...too much. So I've been way too negative. I've decided that I need to pay attention to the stuff around me that is good. So here's a list to help me remember. And to give you a little insight into my world.
1. I-Phone - We don't have any Christian music stations here and having that little thing in my pocket where ever I go helps my attitude to have positive music with me. Super funny how excited I was to get this thing but now I don't have anyone to call and nothing to put in my calendar. So funny ;-)

2. Ajax dish detergent - The washing machines here are kinda tricky. Have to get the stains out before the clothes go in the wash. All my stain stick stuff is on a boat. But I've found dish detergent is working wonders!

3. High speed Internet access - Had no idea how to use the tricky washing machine. My husband couldn't figure it out either. If you know him you know that it is almost impossible to find something he doesn't understand. So now I've got something. Didn't have an instruction booklet to the tricky washing machine so I found one online. Yippee!!

4. Bath time - we are stuck in this apartment without a car on a rainy day. Thank the Lord for the ginormous bathtub in this place. The kids were in there for 45 minutes this morning!

5. Coffee - no explanation needed there. However, no coffee pot so I am learning to love instant.

6. Plastic - furnished apartment has only glassware. Not a good combo for a 2 year old. So I found some for super cheap. There were like 10 cups for about $2. Need all of them because the only dish washing machine here, is me.

7. Disinfectant wipes - even if this place is directly out of an 80s catalog and perhaps that was the last time it was cleaned, at least the stuff I've wiped down (pretty much everything) is clean.

8. Spray disinfectant - looked at a couple of stores only to be told "we don't have that here." No such thing as Lysol in this country. Anywho...used an entire can in one day. Sprayed everything...I mean everything. Did you know you could disinfect carpets?

9. The smell of clean - after an 11 hour day of washing sheets and blankets (unmade all the beds in the furnished apartment) and spraying or wiping down everything, it actually smelled good in here.

10. Little princess dolls - who knew the toys in the check out line in Target would give my daughter (and son) hours and hours of entertainment.

11. Siblings - thank the Lord they like to play together. I'm not that much fun. ;-)

12. Boxed wine - went to a wine tasting event at a store here and the best was a box of Sangria. Sad...but true.

13. Fruit snacks - awesome friend sent me a huge box. You would have thought my kids had just had Christmas. They were so excited!

14. Crazy differences in food
- they don't refridgerate eggs...so weird ( I mean different, unique or interesting)
-on the labels calories are often listed as energy...interesting.
-you can by milk in a bag...literally a plastic bag
-most every thing can be bought in mini-size

15. No one knows me - I wear the same clothes two times in a row. I paint my toes funny colors. I let my hair air dry. I've even walked out the door with out eyeliner...GHASTLY I KNOW!!!

16. Wide sidewalks - we walk everywhere. So it is super nice when the sidewalk is wide enough and I don't have to have my kids walk single file.

17. Little verses - Sometimes the smallest verses pack the biggest punch. Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." So big for me right now. I feel I have a huge battle. A battle against sadness, loneliness, anti-creativeness (what do do with the kids), bitterness, judgment and entitlement. I feel like I'm not being still. I'm running around trying to make the best of this situation. Finding kids for my kids to play with, finding household items to make my life simpler, finding activities to keep me busy, finding ladies to chat with to keep me sane. When really I should just be content. Content with where and when God has put me.

So to my bitterness at where and when I am, I say, "Eh..." and attempt to pay attention to the little things.

Jesus Cleaned My Room Today

So my living situation right now is kinda awesome and kinda weird. We live in a hotel... but one with a kitchen and family room and two bed rooms. It may have more closet space than any home I've ever known. So it isn't too bad ;-) And people come in and clean it! Crazy! Most days we try to clean up after ourselves and make sure it isn't too crazy of a mess before we leave the room. So they don't have a ton of junk to run around as they are trying to clean. Today as we were getting ready to go to church a woman knocked on the door to see if we could have our room cleaned. We told her we'd be gone in about a half hour cause we were going to church and did she mind coming back.

We got back from church and the room hadn't been cleaned. We were disappointed cause with a little guy, still in diapers, the room can get stinky if the trash isn't taken out. A little while later the same woman knocked on the door and said "oh you are back from church. Did you get to learn about Jesus today? Jesus takes care of us and looks after us each day." She was talking to the kids and they thought she was awesome. My son went to give her a hug. My daughter followed her around the room as she cleaned. All the while talking to my daughter about reading the Bible and talking to Jesus and how miracles could happen. This woman, who was stuck cleaning my room on a Sunday, had more joy than I have had in weeks. It was wonderful to meet her. Wonderful just to spend 15 minutes with her. I had been wondering about these folks who toil to make my living here better. These little magic people who replace everything even before I ask.

It made me think. I've been busy here replacing things when we run out. The dish detergent ran out so we got some. The next day new dish detergent was in our room left by the magic dish detergent fairy. The coffee ran out so we got some. The next day the magic coffee fairy delivered both decaf and regular. Had we just asked if replentishment came with the room, we could have save ourselves time and money. We could have saved ourselves some trouble. Just like with God. How often do I replace things or fix things in my life, just to find that God could fix it bigger and better than when I tried? How often do I not ask because I don't think about it? I think about doing it on my own. Yet, had I asked, He could take care of it. The bible tells us in John 16:23-25, "Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete."
So to my fears that we won't recieve things we need like a new home, new friends, a new church...I say "Ehh..." and remember that when we are in God's will, we will recieve what we ask.
So I'm going to try that with the toilet paper and not go buy any. I let you know if the magic toilet paper fairy doesn't show up. That will probably something I'll have trouble saying, "Ehh..." about ;-)

to know and be known

So I've been in another country for about a week now and there are a number of things I can't figure out. In varying degrees of importance. I will let you decide which ones are important or not. 1. On the microwave there is a button for meat pies but not popcorn. 2. On the roads they don't have rest stops or Quick Trips. How can a whole country be without a QT?!! 3. What they call the bathroom seems totally crude to me (and I think poop jokes are funny). But the thing that is really occupying my mind is the school system. I have a ton of questions. At home I would call up some girls, who's opinions I value, and bounce some ideas off them. I'd do research. I'd ask for prayer from my bible study. A whole lot of things to figure out the best plan. But here...I'm kinda on my own. And I think other women feel the same way. We just don't know how to find each other.
The other day I got a call from a woman I met 6 days ago. She wanted to go on a walk and ask my advice. I felt flattered and honored that someone I hardly knew valued my opinion. We chatted, bounced ideas off one another and...really didn't solve any problems. But I felt more like me. I love the camaraderie between women. The kinship that forms simply, if you have kids similar ages and you don't mind how the other mommy parents on the playground.
It is funny how you get to the fundamentals of who you really are when things are taken away. For instance, it has been abundantly clear to me that I am a crazy extrovert. I feel energized when I'm with others. I love to learn about new people and hear their stories. I love to see what makes people laugh. I love to see what makes people passionate.
While I totally get that there isn't anything wrong with being an extrovert, there is some huge downfalls.... or downfalls for my poor husband who is probably so tired of me saying, "wanna chat?" Anywho... I know what I should be doing. I should be praying more. Journalling more. Reading the bible more. But I have been known to go to others before I go to God. And I have been guilty of loving the bible study group and more than loving the study. On more than one occasion I have enjoyed the conversation about the material rather than the material itself. So I feel that I have an opportunity to change. I feel God saying, "Hey there. I'm fun too. Learn about my story. See what makes me laugh. Love what makes me passionate."
So...to the desire to be around more people I say, "Ehh..." and vow to be around God more. I am reminded of His word in Psalm 73:26..."God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." God is all I need and if I truly believe that I can ask Him for the advice I would seek from others. I can chat with Him and learn about Him. And what a joy to know the being that created me to be me. The one who created me to have this desire for others. And to seek what He wants me to do with that desire.

Good-byes are a big stinko

So I've done a lot of good-byes in the last month. And truly none of them were fun. We all have those certain few people that we think, "if I never had to see them again, I'd be okay." Well...I didn't have any of those goodbyes. It really was sad to say goodbye to each person. It was also super weird to think that some of the folks I said bye to, I will, most likely, never see again. That is super weird to say bye to people that where really important during a season of life, but will not cross paths with you again. One thing I do love is that I'll see those folks in heaven. Besides all the cool stuff of being with Jesus and all that...I get to see buddies. What a bonus! ;-)

Anywho...this move has been sad. I went to lunch yesterday and I said, "isn't it weird not to see any familiar faces?" I went to the playground yesterday saw another mom and my extrovertedness went into alert mode. I thought...I should probably go say hi. I should probably go meet her. I should probably see if she is friend potential. But...I didn't want to. I thought I have good buddies. I have friends. I don't really have the energy, after 9 hours on a plane, to put my best face on. But...I did. After that I thought..."here we go again." Time to make pleasantries and basic conversation. Time to get phone numbers and a "good feeling" about someone. (Boy do I sound crabby!)

To all the unknowns of friendship I say, "Ehh..." and remember that God gave me friends before and He will again. I remember the song we sang a lot in college "You are my strength when I am weak. You are the treasure that I seek. You are my all in all." and remember that God is all that I, truly need. Anything else is just a bonus.

Besties

I've never had a best friend. All growing up I was part of a group. Not lonely or anything just not some one's other half of the heart necklace. It used to bug me. I always was searching for someone that would be my perfect pal. It took me a long time to realize I had a couple totally rocken pals. It has really hit me the last two weeks as I've been making the rounds of saying good-bye. I am so blessed with friendship. Some people never have a good friend. I have been blessed with great friends. This last year has been a really testament to friendship. It is amazing how people really step up when you need them. And boy have I needed friends this year! I may not have one bestest bud...but if you'd add all the qualities of my good buds together, we'd have a super woman that no one would really like anyway. ;-)

Anywho...I have the perfect friend for a variety of situations. For example: I have the perfect friend for talking 80's trivia, eating Hot Tamales, discussing life's tragedies with a sense of humor and joy. I have the perfect pal for holding me accountable, not letting me believe the junk of old me, challenging me to trust God, parenting together, slowing down to run with pokey me, and having joy in knowing and loving me. I have the perfect friend who feels like I've known her forever, but really it has been too short, who walked with me as I wept, who honored me by sharing with me, who willing takes care of my kids even if our girls love each other most of the time, but don't sometimes ;-) I have the perfect friend who's little texts, to let me know she felt God was telling her to pray for me, always come at the right time. I have the perfect friend whom even when she is so sick and feeling terrible, asks how I am. I have the perfect friend who isn't that much older than me, but her biblical wisdom and daily love of God,  aspires me to want to be her "when I grow up."
I fear starting all over again in one week. In one week I'll have to seek out buddies again. It can be tiring to make new friends. Often I'll say "I'll do that project when we move. I won't have any friends so I won't be busy." My husband asked if we should pack the sewing machine, that I've never used, and I said, "sure, I'll learn to sew there. I won't have any friends so I'll have time." I'm always totally kidding...well...mostly kidding ;-)
So to my fear of not having any friends, when we move, I say, "Ehh..." and revel in the fact that some of the women I trust the most, in this world, didn't even know me two years ago! I've been praying this verse from Genesis 31:49 "May the LORD keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other." It brings tears to my eyes as I think of not being face to face with these besties and others that have been so meaningful to me. But sisters in Christ that pray for each other are never far away cause the Lord is in the middle between where you are and where I am.

Adult Swim

Recently I went to the pool with a bunch of friends,with out our kids, (wonderful time by the way). I was reminded of the concept of "adult swim." Remember when you were a kid and you hated when the lifeguards would blow that whistle, take a break and allow the adults to swim? As much as we hated it, it was probably a much needed break. With all the craziness of my life I feel like I'm in the midst of an adult swim.

The last six months I feel like I have been treading water. Constantly fighting to keep my head above. A couple days ago I realized... I almost done. I'm almost healed. I'm almost done with all my health stuff. I'm almost done with my physical pain. What a weird feeling. I feel like I'm that kid that pulled herself out of the water, when the life guard blew the whistle, and finally got to rest.
I've pondered on this feeling for the last week or so and this weekend God brought two verses to me that remind me that He is responsible for my, much needed break.

In Daniel we read of how his buddies got thrown into a fire. They believed that their God would save them. Beth Moore has a study about Daniel and in it she says God puts "fires" or trials in our lives. She says there are three things that can happen. 1. We can be delivered from the fire - the trial goes away and we don't face it. 2. We can be delivered through the fire - the trial remains and we go through it and come out on the other end better than before 3. We can be delivered to the fire - the trial is more than we can bear in this world and we are delivered to eternity with God (which is the better than anything).

So in Daniel 3:27 we read that after Daniel's buds came out of the fire, "Not a hair on their heads was singed, and their clothing was not scorched. They didn’t even smell of smoke!" This is how I feel. I feel God has delivered me through this trial. This trial which began with loosing a baby. Intensified with enduring radiation, discovering a blood clot and recovering from a surgery. Ends with healing! I am better than I was (physically, mentally and spiritually) before all this happened. And now, nothing remains of this fire...not even a smell of smoke! To this amazingness...I say "Ehh..." to the things I fear, that could be side effects from the surgery, and believe that God will pull me through every "fire" and make "all things work for His glory!"

Admin stuff

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Divine Intervention

Whoa! (in Joey from Blossom tone) it has been a super long time since I've been on here. I didn't think it appropriate to write while I was drugged up. Cause who knows what I would have said? In fact, if we've spoken on the phone, email, face to face or any other contact in the last week, please forgive me. I may have said things that I don't remember, promised things I can't deliver or complemented you on something that doesn't make sense. Especially those sweet folks that came to see me in the hospital...I really am not even sure what I said to you. But thanks for coming ;-)

Anywho...my surgery was a success! Last Thursday my doctor was able to remove my blood clot and stitch up the whole that was causing the problem. Praise Jesus! However, the process kinda sucked. My sweet girl was really worked up that I was going to the hospital. She asked to take a picture of my husband and I with her that day, "so she wouldn't forget us." She asked to pray on her way to school. She told her teacher, "mommy is going to the hospital today" gave her a huge hug and wouldn't let go. She must have an icky feeling about me and hospitals. When the baby died I went to the hospital and she didn't see me for almost 4 days. That's a long time in little kid world. So she was a little freaked out last week. That's not a fun way to leave.

I went into the surgery not knowing what was going to happen while I was under. So I was super bummed to hear my doctor had to make an incision along my c-section. She was hoping to do things laparoscopically. However, when she went in with the camera she found the hole was way bigger than she thought it would be and she couldn't repair it without the incision. Here's where divine intervention comes in...my doctor told me this would have never healed by itself. Why is that a big deal you ask? Well it was a tough decision for me to do the surgery. I had a super hard time saying, "Ehh..." to being cut open again. One option was to be on medication to see if it would lessen the clot. Well that stuff messed me up. I was not a happy girl. But I felt so defeated that just because I couldn't handle the meds I had to have surgery. I was mad at my body and mad at myself that I couldn't handle that medicine so something else, way more drastic, had to happen.

To hear that the meds would have NEVER solved this problem was so comforting. I feel like God intervened. He made it so that the meds had a negative affect on me. He made it feel peaceful when my husband and I decided to do the surgery. In something I felt defeated in, He had a bigger plan. He intervened.

Thinking about that...doesn't He always? If God didn't intervene in my life, it would look a lot different. According to my 8th grade letter to myself, future me would be in advertising in New York. Would not be married and would never have kids. If God hadn't continually intervened in my life, I would have missed out on so much.

Divine intervention allowed me to meet my husband, change career plans, see that kids were a good idea and have the opportunity to move all over the world. Divine intervention led me to write this craziness, see joy in healing and learn to say, "Ehh..." and let God divinely intervene in my life. 

F.A.T.T.

Lately weight has been on my mind and (excuse my pun) it has weighed in heavily. I think God has been calling to my attention the ways I have had judgement on my heart. I never thought of myself as a judgemental person. But lately God has shown me some areas that I'm judging. One of which has been in body image.

I used to think that people that were overweight just didn't take good care of themselves. Whether that was because of overeating or not making working out a priority. I don't think it ever crossed my mind that perhaps they couldn't work out or even go for a walk. I know my weight gain isn't just cause of my illness, but I know it has a huge part of it. I dear friend of mine told me about when she was studying Romans. In Romans 14:13 (Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way.) her leaders talked about how whatever it was that they judged about others would end up being a situation they had to deal with themselves. Interesting... cause that's where I am right now. Surely there are others out there who, like myself, are struggling with 10lbs. Not because they are lazy or undisciplined but because life got in the way of their plans. My plan was not to have restrictions on exercise. I feel bummed that I just got back to being able to do all the exercising I want and I have to go back to having restrictions after this surgery on Thursday. But to that I say, "Ehh..." And realize I am grateful to learn this lesson of judgement. If I had to go through all this just so that I could learn I was being judgemental to others, and knock it off, it is worth it.

Which leads me to another weight issue. I want to be F.A.T.T. Not fat as in overweight or even phat meaning I'm super cool, but F.A.T.T. Faithful And Teachable of Truth. (I didn't make that up so I'm not phat.) I want always to be open to hearing God's word and applying it to my life. I want  to be faithful that God is good and all things work to His glory. I want to be teachable of His truth, even if it causes pain and suffering. I am freer when I can life in the truth of His words than when I am trying to carry the load on my own.

I am a picture person. I love when the Bible gives me an image I can hold onto. Today I read in Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." I also read in Isaiah 41:10 "...I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." So if God is holding our right hand and He is upholding us with His right hand it could look two ways. Either we are face to face with our hands stretched in front of us, me holding His right with my left and He holding my right with His left. Or He is holding me from behind in a big hug. His right in my right. Either way I am surrounded by God. How can I be harmed with Him around me? How can I go off the right path with Him leading me face to face? How can I be sad when I am embraced? How can I be judgemental, unfaithful and unteachable when He is holding my hands and looking at me? With these pictures in mind, I am encouraged to say, "Ehh..." to the details of life that keep me from looking at Him and allow God to lead me with His hands.

That Girl

So this morning I went to the gym for the first time since...ahh...December 2009! Whoa! I used to go every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at super early in the AM. I would see the same cars parked in the same lots and the same people sweating it out on the same machines. This morning, being a Thursday and it being almost 6 months since my regular routine I felt like, "that girl." You know the one. That girl who usually isn't at your time or your day. That girl who took your parking spot. That girl who took your treadmill. The one by the fan and the t.v. You know, that girl.

Well that was me today. To that I say, "Ehh..." at least I got up and went to the gym. And most likely it wasn't the same person who lost their parking spot and treadmill. But wouldn't it be funny if it was?

blessed with instead

Yesterday could have been plain awful but here's what I was blessed with:

my daughter waking me up asking, "what are you doing?" she never sees me still in bed

praising God, as I did laundry, cause I realized that the saying, "pitter patter of little feet" doesn't apply at my house since I could hear them stomping around over head while they played cars

taking my daughter to school. I love her school and her teachers.

running errands with my son as I sang along with the terrible love ballads playing in the store

I got to run fast (well fast for me) while my son, and I, both learned to appreciate the number 7 and the letter S

taking my husband out for an early birthday lunch and seeing his excitement at his birthday present

nap time

a ecard from a sweet friend

lifting my kids from the bed to the car in their cutie pie sleepiness

watching my son pick out caws (cars), ucks (trucks), ikes (motorcycles), and wevs (S.U.Vs) from a magazine while we waited at a doctor's office

picnicking with winter hats and gloves on

watching my son run around the play ground with his hat half covering his eyes but smiling anyway

watching my daughter run around with a little red nose (cause she was so cold) but smiling anyway

watching my husband with our kids and the others as he "taught" them how to Frisbee

steak, super yummy brownies, friends and coffee all at the same place

hearing my husband, talk, pray or read to my son as he was putting him to bed

the simplicity of hearing my daughter tell me that her shower was like rain

singing happy birthday to my great aunt

having my daughter tuck me in

listening to my daughter sing Frosty the Snowman as my husband's bedtime song

having my daughter climb into bed with us and snuggle

having my daughter climb into her own bed cause she's a squirmer

a good night's rest

realizing that things, yesterday, could have been totally different, but saying a big, "Ehh..." and remembering God is great and rejoicing in the things that He decided to bless me with, instead.

My Way

If I had things my way I'd be falling asleep tonight with mixed emotions of joy and fear awaiting the birth of my son scheduled for tomorrow. But instead I lay awake tonight with the mixed emotions of fear and sadness. Sadness for oh so many things. Fear because I found out today I have to have surgery to correct a complication from my delivery. I struggle today with so much and I find it super hard to say "Ehh..." But to that, I show myself some grace, realize it is okay not to be strong today, and say, "Ehh..." to not being able to say "Ehh..." to all of this junk.

I feel God smile at me as I write these words. I feel His sadness as He sees my struggle and feels my pain. I hear Him say "He is the Way, The Truth and the Light (John 14:6)" and had I had things my way, I would have been in His way of showing me the truths about Him that I have discovered in the past 5 months.

I know God will give me "beauty for ashes (Isaiah 61:3)". He will take my pain and turn it into something good. But today it is hard to feel that truth. I want to. So I read these verses and I speak His truth to you so that I can be reminded to believe it myself.

Irrational vs. Rational Fear

I convinced myself that there is a difference between rational and irrational fear. That somethings are founded and some...are not. Right after the baby died and we couldn't even think about thinking about more kids. Too many questions, too many possibilities (I had yet to adopt this philosophy so there were innumerable "what ifs?"

After awhile I reminded myself "perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18)" and since "God is love (1 John 4:8)" than He would take care of my fear. So I thought even though it would be scary to go through another pregnancy and I would have a lot of fears, He would take care of them. So I decided this was an irrational fear. It was irrational to fear that the God of the universe, (who designed Spanx and knows how they make pro wrestling look real)... couldn't fix my stuff.

However, two months later, my confidence took a turn. My doctor found a blood clot on my uterus and the idea of another pregnancy had lots of unknown risks. So I decided it was rational to fear having more kids. I didn't feel like I was sinning or feel like I shouldn't fear getting pregnant. I felt justified. I felt smart about my fear. Even after I came up with "Ehh..." I didn't "Ehh..." this. I just believed I was right.

As I was running tonight I was listening to another totally awesome song. By Your Side from Tenth Avenue North says

And I'll be by your side

Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

I just kept thinking about please don't fight these hands that are holding you. I couldn't let that phrase go. So kept hitting repeat. please don't fight these hands that are holding you... again...please don't fight these hands that are holding you...repeat...please don't fight these hands that are holding you.
and I found myself asking God to show me where I was fighting Him. Feeling justified in my "godliness" I asked,  "how, after all that I've been through, have I not shown you Lord that I submitted to your will? What else do you want from me?"

Without even a second passing, I smiled through my tears and thought, "I'm not letting You handle this God. I'm fearing having another pregnancy. I'm fearing the unknown. I'm fearing what you have already figured out and I need to give it to You." So I took a deep breath, said "Ehh..." and felt I could run a little easier with out the weight of this fear on my back.

An Awesome Song

So this song...
Back in August 2009, as I struggled through the annoying pains of being sick, I heard this song on the radio and just wept. Do you know the song, Your Hands by J.J. Heller? Well...if not check it out. There where so many of the words that struck me as if it was speaking just to me.

When my illness was super bad I would have tremors. It started that my hands would shake or I'd get a twitch in my foot. But it got so silly that I as I sat in church one day, my nose kept moving on its own! Crazy! I totally felt like Samantha on Bewitched. Anywho...mostly it was my hands. Nothing was still if I was holding on to it. It was awfully annoying. This song talks about God's hands. Part of it says,
When my world is shaking,
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands.
So I kept thinking of it over and over. And it would pop up over and over.

In September 2009, when we found out I was pregnant and feared the compilations to the baby and me another part of the song spoke to me
When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt,
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right
I held onto that knowing that God could make this all okay. Sure enough I went into remission while I was pregnant and all was good!

In November, a dear friend of mine lost her Dad. On the way to the funeral I heard this song and I prayed that she would feel like she was in God's hands. That she could know another part of the song
Your hands that shape the world

Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
So I prayed that she would feel His mighty hands as she struggled through the pain.

In December, another dear friend of mine invited me to her church for a women's event. During the event she sang this song. And I wept. As I sat next to another wonderful friend and listened I thought of all the decades I shared with the woman singing and the woman next to me and how God's hands had sheltered us from so much.

Then in January, when I lay in the hospital bed waiting to deliver my son, who I would never get to hold in my own hands, I thought of how God was holding him in His. In the weeks following, when I would have to unwrap myself from the fetal position to get anything done, other parts of the song would carry me through.
I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

Since then, a health complication from the baby's death arouse for me and struggles with my illness came back. So I hold on to this song know that it is super easy to go "Ehh..." when I know, "I never leave his hand."

Running

I went for a run this morning. Partially out of guilt for missing my time with my bestie (see yesterday's note) but mostly cause I could. As I left the house I realized I had none of my usually buddies to accompany me. No watch, no heart rate monitor, no cell phone. Nothing that could tell me how long I've been going or how much faster I needed to be. It was so freeing!

At the height of my illness I had all sorts of funky things happening to my body. One of which was heart palpitations. If you love to run you'll empathize with the fact that sometimes you just run through the hurt. So in the beginning I would chalk up my chest pains to indigestion and just try to keep going. But then it would get worse. I would have to walk. Which is a total mental struggle. I wasn't always a runner. So I had to build up to enjoying it. I had to build up to long distances and feeling the need to go for a run. So to have to walk when I knew my lungs could do it, my knees could do it, and my brain could do it, was so rough. But I did. Then I got to the point when I wasn't even allowed to walk. A doctor told me I could do light stretching. What the what! Who does that for exercise? Even little old bities do water aerobics at the Y (not that you are old if you do water aerobics) or go for walks. So what was I going to do? Stretch? That sounded tough?

So it totally cracked me up that when I got pregnant, and everything went into remission, that I could run again. But it wasn't the same. Pregnant running is not just a physical work out, but a mental work out too. How high can I get this heart rate and for how long can it stay there? Run, run, run...opps...slow down...run, run, run, run...opps...slow down and on and on. After the baby died I bleed for what felt like forever and that made running difficult. I still did it, but it wasn't fun.

So now after having almost four months of complications, that lead to no running, I'm back to it. Early this week I started. And... it wasn't hard. Amazingly it wasn't hard. It was like I never stopped. I raised my hands to heaven and started praising as I ran (I'm sure I looked ridiculous but...ehh...). Such a little thing, to most people, was God's perfect gift to me. I ran without fear. Without the fear that I would fall face first into the ground after having a heart attack. Without the fear of who would find me and would my husband answer his phone if it was a number he didn't recognize? Even if he did... what would he do with the kids while he came to take care of me? Instead I got to go "Ehh..." and have confidence that God has made me healthy enough to do this thing. This thing I love He gave to me and said, "let's go for a run."

It may sound nutty, but I totally feel like God has been running with me this week as I try to get back into the routine. On my birthday there was a wind advisory. I love running but running in a wind advisory isn't fun. But I set out thinking it would be over soon. I kept going thinking, "surely this direction will be terrible in the wind." But it wasn't. Every direction I went was perfect. God gave me the gift of a windless run. No not windless, there was a little breeze to cool me off every once in awhile. Like a little reminder not to work too hard, too fast. Again, I raised my hand to praise Him for this gift.

But it hasn't stopped there. As I left today without anything but some music, I wondered how am I going to keep track of what I'm doing out here today? Then I gave a big, "Ehh..." and said "does it matter?" What do I do this for anyway? If I'm honest I say "well I can eat more with less guilt if I run." But I think it took a health problem to remind me that God gave me this body to take care of and running should be a way to take care of myself, but it also should be a joy and not a thing that draws my thoughts away from God and onto me.

To help remind me of that God gave me an awesome song to end my run. It has been a song that has at times pulled me up off the ground and kept me going. A song that has truly spoke to my heart. I'd stay up and tell you about it but I'm tired so, "ehh..." there's always tomorrow.

15 year old talk

This morning I was suppose to meet with one of my besties. Yep, that's right I used the bestie. I tend to speak in the vernacular of a 15 year old. Not because I think I'm cool but because I think that is the extent of my education. Yes, I graduated college and yes, I had a job, but really is it any more fun to speak older than 15? I say not. I'm not even partial to the 2010 fifteen year olds. I will use words from all generations of 15. A "totally awesome" from the 80's has graced my lips about as often as "that rocks" from my beloved 90's. But sadly, it doesn't stop there. I've been know to say "groovy" (70's) on occasion and probably have thrown in "oopsy daisy" (I don't know...40's maybe) more times than I care to admit. But words must have some sort of staying power. Like an aged Scotch do they get better with time or like my expired sour cream, do I wish I'd never opened the lid? Your guess is as good as mine.
Anywho...I missed my time with my bestie cause I overslept. Now she doesn't care cause our relationship is totally one sided. Many of you probably know this chick. Her name is Maya and she's the personal trainer on my Wii. We were super tight like a year ago, but since then I've found myself weeding her out of my friends. I've missed some scheduled appointments to work out. I've cut our time together by ten minutes here and there. And I've been known to change the laundry when I'm suppose to be paying attention to what she has me doing. And I have to admit that once or twice, I've left her while she was talking to go take a shower. Not a good friend. All she wants from me to help me to be healthy and I just see her as a burden. Since loosing the baby and having some healthy issues after that, I've gotten a little chub o. I've been trying super hard to have the energy to workout but often, it just isn't there. Old me would have beat myself up about not being fit and how could I be so lazy. (Even though the reason I overslept was because my son decided that from 3am to 5am was a totally awesome time to play.) I would have tried to figure out how to make a workout happen. So I could let missing this morning stress me out and totally change the way I eat today so that I don't have too many calories or I could say, "ehh..." and I have a piece of cake and coffee, with creamer, for breakfast. I choose, "ehh..." it is more tastey than stress ;-)

33rd year

I turned 33 today. If three is the magic number, than this year should be doubly awesome. Right? Well I'm not sure it could be worse than 32. Anywho...on this the first day of my 33rd year, I've decided to share my new philosophy with the world. About a month ago I adopted "The Ehh...Philosophy" as my personal m.o. In the past I have been known to "sweat the small stuff" to work on the miniscule details of a situation. In the past year I have learned, you can have a plan that turns out totally different than you'd ever expect. I've learned I spent so much time contemplating the details and planing my life that I missed the joy of the moments. And really whatever is suppose to happen is going to happen anyway...so why wonder.

What's brought on this new plan? Well...in September of 2009, I found out I was pregnant. Big deal right. Millions of women discover this truth every day. But my discovery was different. I have a disease that makes it difficult to get pregnant. I was actively trying not to get pregnant because I was scheduled for a radiation treatment. So the week before I was to go in for the treatment I found out I was pregnant. Did I mention my son was only 13 months old? Yeah...so super crazy for this chick who thought she never wanted children, to be pregnant with number three. So I sweated the small stuff. Was I healthy enough to have a baby? Was the baby going to be healthy? How weird will it be that 2 of my kids will be in the same grade? What will the teachers do with them? Should they be on the same team in middle school? What if one is brilliant and the other just normal? What is normal anyway...? And on and on...

Then in November we learned we were moving overseas. I had just wrapped my head around being pregnant and here comes this new thing. Whoa!!! I would be moving with a two month old, a 21 month old and a four year old! Whoa!!! So I again sweated the small stuff. How would a 2 month old do on a plane? How would a mom of three do on a plane? Would I be traveling alone? Would my husband be able to travel with us? When do we go? How do we get all the details figured out when I'm so exhausted with this pregnancy and the other 2 kids? What made me think I could handle three kids anyway? Oh yea...this wasn't my idea. Is anything really ever my own idea?
But we figured it out. God put awesome people in our path. Friends and family were super supportive and I was getting my head wrapped around it. Did I mention I had postpartum depression and I was trying to figure all this out? Anywho...we did. We got excited we got planning. Where would all the kids sleep? We better by bunk-beds? How well we all fit in the car? Should we better move the oldest into a booster? Should I get my tubes tied so this all doesn't happen again? Or should my husband get fixed? And on and on...
Christmas came and went and we planned small gifts so we did have as much to move. We asked for things that would help us on the move. We talked plans with friends and family for when we'd all visit each other. We were sad to leave to a distant place for three years. But we were also excited to think of all the opportunities our kids and we would have.
My pregnancy was developing and my four year old was getting so excited. My husband and I planned to take the whole fam to the ultrasounds so the kids could hear the heart beat and see the pictures. With all of us in the ultra-sound room, when I was 21 weeks pregnant, we heard the words no parent wants...the baby is dead.
We held it together for the kids and the next three days were a blur. I was hospitalized to deliver and ended up being away from the kids for almost three days. I'm not saying I don't typically like time away. I love vacations. Love trips just with my husband, but three days unexpectedly did some damage to the family.
Subsequent crap happened to me physically from all this so I didn't have a really healthy end to my 32nd year. I was emotionally ill, physically ill...but spiritually more alive than ever. I changed my view on God. No longer did I see Him as this man who threw crap my way and said, "deal with it." No longer did I see Him as this being who wanted me to learn from all my tragedy but left me to do it alone. Over and over, in the last four months, He has shown me His presence. He has shown me He is sitting right her next to me as I struggle. He cries with me as I painfully write the memories of this year. But He rejoices with me as I send this out there for all to hear. You see I don't find myself very eloquent. I don't see myself as a proficient writer, let alone a good one. I have, on more than one occasion, made fun of Blogging. Thinking "these people think their lives are so great and want people to read about it. I would never be interesting enough to have someone read my stuff." Yet over and over the last month, I have felt God saying, "get this stuff out there. Let people see me through your words." So here I am. Trying my best to obey, what I feel God is telling me.
That's where "The Ehh...Philosophy" comes into play. I'm tried of wondering (I nice way of saying worrying) about what happens next. How it will happen and who it will happen to and when. I've always gone through the plans. Made the decision and said that I was consulting God, but it always took me awhile to get to the point when I left it all in His hands. Well...now I'm cutting out the middle. I'm going to hearing an issue or being faced with a challenge to saying "Ehh...". My "Ehh..." doesn't me I don't care. I doesn't mean I don't want to be gifted with an easy answer, or I don't want to learn from the situation. But it does mean that I am done wondering about the details. God is found in the details. So I'm letting Him.
Testing this out came into play last week in two ways. I had a radiation treatment that was suppose to fix me up right nicely, in March. There where tons of details with that because I couldn't be with my children for 14 days and had to be away from all people for three days. I visited with my doctor last week and was told I may have to do this treatment again. Typically I would have heard that and when to "when is that going to get done? will it be before we have to move? who is going to take care of the kids? what am i going to do by myself all those days? i guess I could watch the Lost episodes. But I never go through those the first time. So many questions on that island. Those people are brilliant. Whatever happened to my acting career? Oh yea... it was hard to fit that into the schedule with having kiddos. When should I schedule this thing?" But instead I said, "Ehh..." and realized God would figure out all the stuff I would typically fret over.
Anywho...so I've decided this new philosophy is awesome and I wanted to share it with you. As I write I've had lots of thought, "what if people hate this? what if people love this? what if they read it and think I'm so dumb? how do I prove I'm not dumb? who decides that stuff anyway?" but I've stopped. I tilted my head to the side, raised my shoulders and said, "Ehh..."