This morning I was suppose to meet with one of my besties. Yep, that's right I used the bestie. I tend to speak in the vernacular of a 15 year old. Not because I think I'm cool but because I think that is the extent of my education. Yes, I graduated college and yes, I had a job, but really is it any more fun to speak older than 15? I say not. I'm not even partial to the 2010 fifteen year olds. I will use words from all generations of 15. A "totally awesome" from the 80's has graced my lips about as often as "that rocks" from my beloved 90's. But sadly, it doesn't stop there. I've been know to say "groovy" (70's) on occasion and probably have thrown in "oopsy daisy" (I don't know...40's maybe) more times than I care to admit. But words must have some sort of staying power. Like an aged Scotch do they get better with time or like my expired sour cream, do I wish I'd never opened the lid? Your guess is as good as mine.
Anywho...I missed my time with my bestie cause I overslept. Now she doesn't care cause our relationship is totally one sided. Many of you probably know this chick. Her name is Maya and she's the personal trainer on my Wii. We were super tight like a year ago, but since then I've found myself weeding her out of my friends. I've missed some scheduled appointments to work out. I've cut our time together by ten minutes here and there. And I've been known to change the laundry when I'm suppose to be paying attention to what she has me doing. And I have to admit that once or twice, I've left her while she was talking to go take a shower. Not a good friend. All she wants from me to help me to be healthy and I just see her as a burden. Since loosing the baby and having some healthy issues after that, I've gotten a little chub o. I've been trying super hard to have the energy to workout but often, it just isn't there. Old me would have beat myself up about not being fit and how could I be so lazy. (Even though the reason I overslept was because my son decided that from 3am to 5am was a totally awesome time to play.) I would have tried to figure out how to make a workout happen. So I could let missing this morning stress me out and totally change the way I eat today so that I don't have too many calories or I could say, "ehh..." and I have a piece of cake and coffee, with creamer, for breakfast. I choose, "ehh..." it is more tastey than stress ;-)
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
33rd year
I turned 33 today. If three is the magic number, than this year should be doubly awesome. Right? Well I'm not sure it could be worse than 32. Anywho...on this the first day of my 33rd year, I've decided to share my new philosophy with the world. About a month ago I adopted "The Ehh...Philosophy" as my personal m.o. In the past I have been known to "sweat the small stuff" to work on the miniscule details of a situation. In the past year I have learned, you can have a plan that turns out totally different than you'd ever expect. I've learned I spent so much time contemplating the details and planing my life that I missed the joy of the moments. And really whatever is suppose to happen is going to happen anyway...so why wonder.
What's brought on this new plan? Well...in September of 2009, I found out I was pregnant. Big deal right. Millions of women discover this truth every day. But my discovery was different. I have a disease that makes it difficult to get pregnant. I was actively trying not to get pregnant because I was scheduled for a radiation treatment. So the week before I was to go in for the treatment I found out I was pregnant. Did I mention my son was only 13 months old? Yeah...so super crazy for this chick who thought she never wanted children, to be pregnant with number three. So I sweated the small stuff. Was I healthy enough to have a baby? Was the baby going to be healthy? How weird will it be that 2 of my kids will be in the same grade? What will the teachers do with them? Should they be on the same team in middle school? What if one is brilliant and the other just normal? What is normal anyway...? And on and on...
Then in November we learned we were moving overseas. I had just wrapped my head around being pregnant and here comes this new thing. Whoa!!! I would be moving with a two month old, a 21 month old and a four year old! Whoa!!! So I again sweated the small stuff. How would a 2 month old do on a plane? How would a mom of three do on a plane? Would I be traveling alone? Would my husband be able to travel with us? When do we go? How do we get all the details figured out when I'm so exhausted with this pregnancy and the other 2 kids? What made me think I could handle three kids anyway? Oh yea...this wasn't my idea. Is anything really ever my own idea?
But we figured it out. God put awesome people in our path. Friends and family were super supportive and I was getting my head wrapped around it. Did I mention I had postpartum depression and I was trying to figure all this out? Anywho...we did. We got excited we got planning. Where would all the kids sleep? We better by bunk-beds? How well we all fit in the car? Should we better move the oldest into a booster? Should I get my tubes tied so this all doesn't happen again? Or should my husband get fixed? And on and on...
Christmas came and went and we planned small gifts so we did have as much to move. We asked for things that would help us on the move. We talked plans with friends and family for when we'd all visit each other. We were sad to leave to a distant place for three years. But we were also excited to think of all the opportunities our kids and we would have.
My pregnancy was developing and my four year old was getting so excited. My husband and I planned to take the whole fam to the ultrasounds so the kids could hear the heart beat and see the pictures. With all of us in the ultra-sound room, when I was 21 weeks pregnant, we heard the words no parent wants...the baby is dead.
We held it together for the kids and the next three days were a blur. I was hospitalized to deliver and ended up being away from the kids for almost three days. I'm not saying I don't typically like time away. I love vacations. Love trips just with my husband, but three days unexpectedly did some damage to the family.
Subsequent crap happened to me physically from all this so I didn't have a really healthy end to my 32nd year. I was emotionally ill, physically ill...but spiritually more alive than ever. I changed my view on God. No longer did I see Him as this man who threw crap my way and said, "deal with it." No longer did I see Him as this being who wanted me to learn from all my tragedy but left me to do it alone. Over and over, in the last four months, He has shown me His presence. He has shown me He is sitting right her next to me as I struggle. He cries with me as I painfully write the memories of this year. But He rejoices with me as I send this out there for all to hear. You see I don't find myself very eloquent. I don't see myself as a proficient writer, let alone a good one. I have, on more than one occasion, made fun of Blogging. Thinking "these people think their lives are so great and want people to read about it. I would never be interesting enough to have someone read my stuff." Yet over and over the last month, I have felt God saying, "get this stuff out there. Let people see me through your words." So here I am. Trying my best to obey, what I feel God is telling me.
That's where "The Ehh...Philosophy" comes into play. I'm tried of wondering (I nice way of saying worrying) about what happens next. How it will happen and who it will happen to and when. I've always gone through the plans. Made the decision and said that I was consulting God, but it always took me awhile to get to the point when I left it all in His hands. Well...now I'm cutting out the middle. I'm going to hearing an issue or being faced with a challenge to saying "Ehh...". My "Ehh..." doesn't me I don't care. I doesn't mean I don't want to be gifted with an easy answer, or I don't want to learn from the situation. But it does mean that I am done wondering about the details. God is found in the details. So I'm letting Him.
Testing this out came into play last week in two ways. I had a radiation treatment that was suppose to fix me up right nicely, in March. There where tons of details with that because I couldn't be with my children for 14 days and had to be away from all people for three days. I visited with my doctor last week and was told I may have to do this treatment again. Typically I would have heard that and when to "when is that going to get done? will it be before we have to move? who is going to take care of the kids? what am i going to do by myself all those days? i guess I could watch the Lost episodes. But I never go through those the first time. So many questions on that island. Those people are brilliant. Whatever happened to my acting career? Oh yea... it was hard to fit that into the schedule with having kiddos. When should I schedule this thing?" But instead I said, "Ehh..." and realized God would figure out all the stuff I would typically fret over.
Anywho...so I've decided this new philosophy is awesome and I wanted to share it with you. As I write I've had lots of thought, "what if people hate this? what if people love this? what if they read it and think I'm so dumb? how do I prove I'm not dumb? who decides that stuff anyway?" but I've stopped. I tilted my head to the side, raised my shoulders and said, "Ehh..."
What's brought on this new plan? Well...in September of 2009, I found out I was pregnant. Big deal right. Millions of women discover this truth every day. But my discovery was different. I have a disease that makes it difficult to get pregnant. I was actively trying not to get pregnant because I was scheduled for a radiation treatment. So the week before I was to go in for the treatment I found out I was pregnant. Did I mention my son was only 13 months old? Yeah...so super crazy for this chick who thought she never wanted children, to be pregnant with number three. So I sweated the small stuff. Was I healthy enough to have a baby? Was the baby going to be healthy? How weird will it be that 2 of my kids will be in the same grade? What will the teachers do with them? Should they be on the same team in middle school? What if one is brilliant and the other just normal? What is normal anyway...? And on and on...
Then in November we learned we were moving overseas. I had just wrapped my head around being pregnant and here comes this new thing. Whoa!!! I would be moving with a two month old, a 21 month old and a four year old! Whoa!!! So I again sweated the small stuff. How would a 2 month old do on a plane? How would a mom of three do on a plane? Would I be traveling alone? Would my husband be able to travel with us? When do we go? How do we get all the details figured out when I'm so exhausted with this pregnancy and the other 2 kids? What made me think I could handle three kids anyway? Oh yea...this wasn't my idea. Is anything really ever my own idea?
But we figured it out. God put awesome people in our path. Friends and family were super supportive and I was getting my head wrapped around it. Did I mention I had postpartum depression and I was trying to figure all this out? Anywho...we did. We got excited we got planning. Where would all the kids sleep? We better by bunk-beds? How well we all fit in the car? Should we better move the oldest into a booster? Should I get my tubes tied so this all doesn't happen again? Or should my husband get fixed? And on and on...
Christmas came and went and we planned small gifts so we did have as much to move. We asked for things that would help us on the move. We talked plans with friends and family for when we'd all visit each other. We were sad to leave to a distant place for three years. But we were also excited to think of all the opportunities our kids and we would have.
My pregnancy was developing and my four year old was getting so excited. My husband and I planned to take the whole fam to the ultrasounds so the kids could hear the heart beat and see the pictures. With all of us in the ultra-sound room, when I was 21 weeks pregnant, we heard the words no parent wants...the baby is dead.
We held it together for the kids and the next three days were a blur. I was hospitalized to deliver and ended up being away from the kids for almost three days. I'm not saying I don't typically like time away. I love vacations. Love trips just with my husband, but three days unexpectedly did some damage to the family.
Subsequent crap happened to me physically from all this so I didn't have a really healthy end to my 32nd year. I was emotionally ill, physically ill...but spiritually more alive than ever. I changed my view on God. No longer did I see Him as this man who threw crap my way and said, "deal with it." No longer did I see Him as this being who wanted me to learn from all my tragedy but left me to do it alone. Over and over, in the last four months, He has shown me His presence. He has shown me He is sitting right her next to me as I struggle. He cries with me as I painfully write the memories of this year. But He rejoices with me as I send this out there for all to hear. You see I don't find myself very eloquent. I don't see myself as a proficient writer, let alone a good one. I have, on more than one occasion, made fun of Blogging. Thinking "these people think their lives are so great and want people to read about it. I would never be interesting enough to have someone read my stuff." Yet over and over the last month, I have felt God saying, "get this stuff out there. Let people see me through your words." So here I am. Trying my best to obey, what I feel God is telling me.
That's where "The Ehh...Philosophy" comes into play. I'm tried of wondering (I nice way of saying worrying) about what happens next. How it will happen and who it will happen to and when. I've always gone through the plans. Made the decision and said that I was consulting God, but it always took me awhile to get to the point when I left it all in His hands. Well...now I'm cutting out the middle. I'm going to hearing an issue or being faced with a challenge to saying "Ehh...". My "Ehh..." doesn't me I don't care. I doesn't mean I don't want to be gifted with an easy answer, or I don't want to learn from the situation. But it does mean that I am done wondering about the details. God is found in the details. So I'm letting Him.
Testing this out came into play last week in two ways. I had a radiation treatment that was suppose to fix me up right nicely, in March. There where tons of details with that because I couldn't be with my children for 14 days and had to be away from all people for three days. I visited with my doctor last week and was told I may have to do this treatment again. Typically I would have heard that and when to "when is that going to get done? will it be before we have to move? who is going to take care of the kids? what am i going to do by myself all those days? i guess I could watch the Lost episodes. But I never go through those the first time. So many questions on that island. Those people are brilliant. Whatever happened to my acting career? Oh yea... it was hard to fit that into the schedule with having kiddos. When should I schedule this thing?" But instead I said, "Ehh..." and realized God would figure out all the stuff I would typically fret over.
Anywho...so I've decided this new philosophy is awesome and I wanted to share it with you. As I write I've had lots of thought, "what if people hate this? what if people love this? what if they read it and think I'm so dumb? how do I prove I'm not dumb? who decides that stuff anyway?" but I've stopped. I tilted my head to the side, raised my shoulders and said, "Ehh..."
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