Irrational vs. Rational Fear

I convinced myself that there is a difference between rational and irrational fear. That somethings are founded and some...are not. Right after the baby died and we couldn't even think about thinking about more kids. Too many questions, too many possibilities (I had yet to adopt this philosophy so there were innumerable "what ifs?"

After awhile I reminded myself "perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18)" and since "God is love (1 John 4:8)" than He would take care of my fear. So I thought even though it would be scary to go through another pregnancy and I would have a lot of fears, He would take care of them. So I decided this was an irrational fear. It was irrational to fear that the God of the universe, (who designed Spanx and knows how they make pro wrestling look real)... couldn't fix my stuff.

However, two months later, my confidence took a turn. My doctor found a blood clot on my uterus and the idea of another pregnancy had lots of unknown risks. So I decided it was rational to fear having more kids. I didn't feel like I was sinning or feel like I shouldn't fear getting pregnant. I felt justified. I felt smart about my fear. Even after I came up with "Ehh..." I didn't "Ehh..." this. I just believed I was right.

As I was running tonight I was listening to another totally awesome song. By Your Side from Tenth Avenue North says

And I'll be by your side

Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

I just kept thinking about please don't fight these hands that are holding you. I couldn't let that phrase go. So kept hitting repeat. please don't fight these hands that are holding you... again...please don't fight these hands that are holding you...repeat...please don't fight these hands that are holding you.
and I found myself asking God to show me where I was fighting Him. Feeling justified in my "godliness" I asked,  "how, after all that I've been through, have I not shown you Lord that I submitted to your will? What else do you want from me?"

Without even a second passing, I smiled through my tears and thought, "I'm not letting You handle this God. I'm fearing having another pregnancy. I'm fearing the unknown. I'm fearing what you have already figured out and I need to give it to You." So I took a deep breath, said "Ehh..." and felt I could run a little easier with out the weight of this fear on my back.