Running

I went for a run this morning. Partially out of guilt for missing my time with my bestie (see yesterday's note) but mostly cause I could. As I left the house I realized I had none of my usually buddies to accompany me. No watch, no heart rate monitor, no cell phone. Nothing that could tell me how long I've been going or how much faster I needed to be. It was so freeing!

At the height of my illness I had all sorts of funky things happening to my body. One of which was heart palpitations. If you love to run you'll empathize with the fact that sometimes you just run through the hurt. So in the beginning I would chalk up my chest pains to indigestion and just try to keep going. But then it would get worse. I would have to walk. Which is a total mental struggle. I wasn't always a runner. So I had to build up to enjoying it. I had to build up to long distances and feeling the need to go for a run. So to have to walk when I knew my lungs could do it, my knees could do it, and my brain could do it, was so rough. But I did. Then I got to the point when I wasn't even allowed to walk. A doctor told me I could do light stretching. What the what! Who does that for exercise? Even little old bities do water aerobics at the Y (not that you are old if you do water aerobics) or go for walks. So what was I going to do? Stretch? That sounded tough?

So it totally cracked me up that when I got pregnant, and everything went into remission, that I could run again. But it wasn't the same. Pregnant running is not just a physical work out, but a mental work out too. How high can I get this heart rate and for how long can it stay there? Run, run, run...opps...slow down...run, run, run, run...opps...slow down and on and on. After the baby died I bleed for what felt like forever and that made running difficult. I still did it, but it wasn't fun.

So now after having almost four months of complications, that lead to no running, I'm back to it. Early this week I started. And... it wasn't hard. Amazingly it wasn't hard. It was like I never stopped. I raised my hands to heaven and started praising as I ran (I'm sure I looked ridiculous but...ehh...). Such a little thing, to most people, was God's perfect gift to me. I ran without fear. Without the fear that I would fall face first into the ground after having a heart attack. Without the fear of who would find me and would my husband answer his phone if it was a number he didn't recognize? Even if he did... what would he do with the kids while he came to take care of me? Instead I got to go "Ehh..." and have confidence that God has made me healthy enough to do this thing. This thing I love He gave to me and said, "let's go for a run."

It may sound nutty, but I totally feel like God has been running with me this week as I try to get back into the routine. On my birthday there was a wind advisory. I love running but running in a wind advisory isn't fun. But I set out thinking it would be over soon. I kept going thinking, "surely this direction will be terrible in the wind." But it wasn't. Every direction I went was perfect. God gave me the gift of a windless run. No not windless, there was a little breeze to cool me off every once in awhile. Like a little reminder not to work too hard, too fast. Again, I raised my hand to praise Him for this gift.

But it hasn't stopped there. As I left today without anything but some music, I wondered how am I going to keep track of what I'm doing out here today? Then I gave a big, "Ehh..." and said "does it matter?" What do I do this for anyway? If I'm honest I say "well I can eat more with less guilt if I run." But I think it took a health problem to remind me that God gave me this body to take care of and running should be a way to take care of myself, but it also should be a joy and not a thing that draws my thoughts away from God and onto me.

To help remind me of that God gave me an awesome song to end my run. It has been a song that has at times pulled me up off the ground and kept me going. A song that has truly spoke to my heart. I'd stay up and tell you about it but I'm tired so, "ehh..." there's always tomorrow.