A good friend emailed me today and asked for the link to this blog. She hoped I was still writing. I have yet to email her back cause I'm sad to tell her a big fat "nope." Why haven't I been writing? Maybe all 8 of you that look at this where wondering. And truly I wondered too. Well...I figured it out. I haven't been writing, not because of some tragic reason that lead me to give up my philosophy, but because living this way isn't so earth shattering any more. My dedication to say, "Ehh..." to the junk, has become an everyday way of life. A happier option than my previous way of living. The me that can say "Ehh..." is way happier than the one who couldn't. My apologies to everyone who knew me before. ;-)
So what does this way of life look like...here are some examples:
When faced with a child who is screaming going through customs at the airport...pre "Ehh..." would have cried and felt defeated. Post "Ehh..." give the kid bags of Nemo fruit snacks over and over and over. Only once thinking about the huge amount of sugar and tooth decay.
When faced with the situation that my daughter did not have a uniform for the first day of school: pre "Ehh..." would have kept her home, even if we had movers all day. Post "Ehh..." let her go. The fact that her accent is totally different than the other children isn't enough to set her apart. Being the only one not dressed in gray, red, black and white is the thing that really got people's attention.
When faced with the situation that my husband would be gone five days after we moved to a new city: pre "Ehh.." would have sat at the house and moped. Post "Ehh..." relied on the kindness of new friends, who watched the kids, and went to play rehearsal. (After lots of prayer and the reminder that my kids are God's children, so He will take care of them.)
When faced with the fact that my medication just wasn't working: pre "Ehh..." would have dealt with it for too long and finally call the doctor. Post "Eh..." got in and fought for the dosage to change.
I don't do it right all the time. The way some folks do things make me wonder. I still get mad. I still feel defeated sometimes. I still say the wrong thing. I still act selfish. I still make a big deal out of stuff that isn't a big deal...But all in all this philosophy has really treated me well :-)
But recently... I just can't swing it. I'm having tons of trouble saying, "Ehh..." This time last year I was blissfully unaware of the pain 2010 was going to bring. I had no idea of the number of doctor's visits, the number of surgeries, the number of tears and the number of realizations I was to have this last year. The loss of my son is still so tender. January 5th marks a year from his death. Although I feel 99% healed, I still have one percent that has trouble saying "Ehh..." I'm still sad. I'm still a little angry. I still think about how old he would be and wonder what life would have looked like, had things been different.
Oh how I pray I would do a better job of seeing "the light that is coming for the heart that holds on." (Matt Redman -You Never Let Go) I can name a ton of things that have gotten better since this all happened. I can list people that have been witnessed to by this trial. I can feel joy for different occasions. But I still wish it didn't happen. However, I have faith. And I have truth. I know that God is who He's word says He is. Pslam 139:6 says "Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." I'm okay with not totally getting it. (I don't love it, but I'm okay with it). For some glory higher than I can understand, for some reason beyond my comprehension...this was allowed to happen. This is part of my life. Just part. And for not being 100% healed, I say, "Ehh..." and realize it is totally okay.
