Let Your Light So Shine

So I haven't been on here for a super long time. I've been struggling with priorities and getting the desire to write. Mostly I've thought...Ehh...who's interested in what I have to say anyway...But I've been reminded lately that God has given us all talents and abilities and we are to share those. In sharing those people get to see God in us. Recently I was at a conference. I had the opportunity to hear some wonderful speakers. As I listened to them I thought, "how do they do that?"

My "how do they do that?" came from lots of different places. One reason is because I'm one of those crazy people that like to talk in front of others. I feel God's presence as He swoops in and says the stuff that needs to be said. But lately I haven't done it. I have a position on a board where I should be called upon to speak regularly. It was one of the reasons I choose to accept the position. However, I have been delegating that responsibility to others. I've chosen to ask other people to fill in because I didn't want to do it. But why?

The answer didn't come to me till I watched these speakers and asked "how do they do that?" As I asked that question the words in my head were, "why aren't you doing that?" As I prayed about that answer I really felt God saying I was scared. I didn't get that. I'm usually not scared about standing in front of others. So what was I afraid of?

Pride. It hit me hard and easily. Pride. I was so scared about being prideful and taking the credit for myself, instead of God, that I just boxed up the gifts He gave me and decided not to use them. So I started asking the various speakers, "how do you not feel pride?" I got lots of answers, but the biggest answer I got was that I just have to try. I'm going to fail. I'm going to feel prideful sometimes and God is going to teach me from those times. But He will also grow me in my attempts to use His gifts in a way point others to Him.

I love the musical God Spell and I keep thinking of the song, "You Are the Light of the World." In it the words "Let your light so shine before men." made me think....God's light comes through us in so many different ways. The good we do, the way we handle difficulties, the choices we make and, the way we use the blessings He gave us. I want to let my light so shine before men. That song comes from, Matthew 5:16 and it gives us the reason. "...that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven."  So to this new challenge I say, "Ehh..." and realize that I would rather be taught from my mistakes and have the joy of using the gifts He gave me, than running from my fears to the nearest post office so I could box up my gifts and send them away. So I challenge you...use the gifts God gave you, listening to others, multitasking, singing, decorating, teaching, running, relating to others, gift giving, encouraging, multiplying, cooking, having patience, giving, hula-hooping, what ever it maybe, and give the glory to God.  

Proximity

Out of sight, out of mind. Not such a positive statement. --- Unless you are talking about the Royal Wedding Cake I put in the fridge so I wouldn't see it and eat my fourth piece --- Anywho...it seems I get wrapped up in my day to day life and I don't pay good enough attention to the life that matters. The one that will exist beyond what I make for dinner or where my kids play that day. The one to be my legacy. The one that will leave an impression on my children's children. The one that is important. Why is it that the important stuff gets pushed aside by the right now stuff? I read about women who have families and still have time to write books about raising families. They have a big picture idea and I am a "right here, right now" person. What do I do about this?



I wonder how Joshua felt. He had to be concerned with the big picture and the "here and now." His big picture of gaining the promised land and his here and the now of daily battles. How did he do that? In Joshua 23 verse 14 he says, "You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the LORD your God gave you had he failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed." He used that confidence in God's promises to ask for the day to day stuff. Did you know he asked God to stop the sun? And you know what...He did!!! Joshua needed more light to fight one of  his daily battles. His here and now battle needed faith in his big picture promise. So He looked at his day to day as a way to get to his big picture.

Joshua's big picture was a simple idea that had a very detailed way to get there. Just like all of our lives. It makes sense to think about the day to day. Laundry has to be done, battles need to be won. But we need to keep the big picture as the goal. Joshua knew where he was going, he just wasn't sure how to get there. Just like me. I know I want my children to know God. I know I want them to love Jesus and know Him as their savior. So I know what I want and I don't know how to get there. So to that I say, "Ehh..." and know that my big picture is in God's hands. I will believe in all the good promises the LORD my God gave me.

Process vs. Product

With the amount of things God teaches me as I'm running, you'd think I'd be really skinny. 

Anywho...recently, as I was running, I was thinking about transportation. I was going kinda fast, for me, and I thought "how fast is a speeding bullet?" Strange thought I know, but nevertheless...I was thinking that you can get to the same destination using a variety of different ways. It really just depends on what you are looking to experience. 

For example...

by plane - quick, you have very little scenery unless you love looking at other people (which I do), not much responsibility (unless you are flying with children)

by car - slower, lots of scenery (that you won't see since you are driving), lots of responsibility

by train - sometimes slow, sometimes fast depending on stops and such, lots of scenery, very little responsibility

by boat - slow, scenery is totally dependable on where you are going and very little responsibility

So all of these would get you to the same spot but the process of getting there would be so different. I am totally a process person. It takes me going through something to understand it. I'm not so good at just being told something and figuring it out. Like...my husband tried to explain a new running path to me. I had no idea what he was talking about even though I've traveled the streets tons of times. But when I did the process myself...I figured it out. Same thing with crafts. If someone just hands me the product of the greeting card, I'm suppose to make, I can't figure it out. But if they walk me through the process, step by step, I figure it out. 

So what does all this mean? You, whom have made it through all my rambling till this point, are asking yourselves the same thing. God knows this about me (and He knows your needs for process too.) He knows I need process to really understand. He can just make it so I can have baby right now. But He isn't doing that...why? Well...there are probably tons of answers but the one I really have come to understand is that I'm in process. He has me figuring out some major stuff. And if I was just to be given a baby right now, I wouldn't be figuring it all out. So I think God has me on a run. Not on the run, but on a run through the course He needs me to take. The product is the same (cause I truly believe some day I will have a healthy baby) but the process is uniquely selected just for me. My run is taking me through great scenery on some days. Just rainy days on others. Up hills on some and down long slopes on others. He lets me speed up and lets me slow down. He allows me to feel like my legs are as light as feathers and some days He allows me to feel like I'm pulling cement along in my shoes. Some days the i-Pod is fully charged and blaring some great music. Some days the only thing I hear is my son asking questions about the path. 

But the process is where I find Him. I can get through all the scenery and yucky weather cause He sees me and gives me strength "the eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him." 2 Chronicles 16:9

So in my commitment to being on this run and in process even on the cold, rainy, up hill days...I say, "Ehh..." and remember that He has a specific product in mind for me. Whether that is a kid or not I know it will be for His glory and my good. "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 I pray you would know that too. No matter what mode of transportation God has you on, He has a destination in mind for you. I pray you would trust in His path, not try to veer off or hitch hike, but to go through the process with God as your traveling companion.

Everyday Ehh...

A good friend emailed me today and asked for the link to this blog. She hoped I was still writing. I have yet to email her back cause I'm sad to tell her a big fat "nope." Why haven't I been writing? Maybe all 8 of you that look at this where wondering. And truly I wondered too. Well...I figured it out. I haven't been writing, not because of some tragic reason that lead me to give up my philosophy, but because living this way isn't so earth shattering any more. My dedication to say, "Ehh..." to the junk, has become an everyday way of life. A happier option than my previous way of living. The me that can say "Ehh..." is way happier than the one who couldn't. My apologies to everyone who knew me before.  ;-)

So what does this way of life look like...here are some examples:

When faced with a child who is screaming going through customs at the airport...pre "Ehh..." would have cried and felt defeated. Post "Ehh..." give the kid bags of Nemo fruit snacks over and over and over. Only once thinking about the huge amount of sugar and tooth decay.

When faced with the situation that my daughter did not have a uniform for the first day of school: pre "Ehh..." would have kept her home, even if we had movers all day. Post "Ehh..." let her go. The fact that her accent is totally different than the other children isn't enough to set her apart. Being the only one not dressed in gray, red, black and white is the thing that really got people's attention.

When faced with the situation that my husband would be gone five days after we moved to a new city: pre "Ehh.." would have sat at the house and moped. Post "Ehh..." relied on the kindness of new friends, who watched the kids, and went to play rehearsal. (After lots of prayer and the reminder that my kids are God's children, so He will take care of them.)

When faced with the fact that my medication just wasn't working: pre "Ehh..." would have dealt with it for too long and finally call the doctor. Post "Eh..." got in and  fought for the dosage to change.

I don't do it right all the time. The way some folks do things make me wonder. I still get mad. I still feel defeated sometimes. I still say the wrong thing. I still act selfish. I still make a big deal out of stuff that isn't a big deal...But all in all this philosophy has really treated me well :-)

But recently... I just can't swing it. I'm having tons of trouble saying, "Ehh..." This time last year I was blissfully unaware of the pain 2010 was going to bring. I had no idea of the number of doctor's visits, the number of surgeries, the number of tears and the number of realizations I was to have this last year. The loss of my son is still so tender. January 5th marks a year from his death. Although I feel 99% healed, I still have one percent that has trouble saying "Ehh..." I'm still sad. I'm still a little angry. I still think about how old he would be and wonder what life would have looked like, had things been different.

Oh how I pray I would do a better job of seeing "the light that is coming for the heart that holds on." (Matt Redman -You Never Let Go) I can name a ton of things that have gotten better since this all happened. I can list people that have been witnessed to by this trial. I can feel joy for different occasions. But I still wish it didn't happen. However, I have faith. And I have truth. I know that God is who He's word says He is.  Pslam 139:6 says "Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." I'm okay with not totally getting it. (I don't love it, but I'm okay with it). For some glory higher than I can understand, for some reason beyond my comprehension...this was allowed to happen. This is part of my life. Just part. And for not being 100% healed, I say, "Ehh..." and realize it is totally okay.