The Descent Is Guided

I wrote this at a very low point in my life. As I read it I thought "who would want to read this! It is such a downer!" but now looking back I remember that I write this thing in hopes that others may find encouragement so here you go:

When you hit bottom it isn't an automatic "splat, I'm here." It is a slow dropping. I say dropping because I'm in God's hands the whole time. As He allows me to go further and further into misery I know He is guiding the descent. As I'm being dropped He allows me to hit some bumps, shields  me from others, let's me run full force into some holes, and steers me clear of some alluring trails.

I don't understand why I'm being dropped but I understand who is in charge of the way down. 

It is the same God that will bring me up. The same loving Lord that will hold me as I ascend out of this despair. The same Father that heals me as He guides my way. 

So to all this pain and yuck I say "Ehh..." because I know that The Lord is here. I recognize Him as my redeemer who will lift me up, in His hands and in His time. I will pray with thanksgiving for the sorrow He has kept me from. I pray with a heart of gratitude for the trials I have faced knowing He has a plan. I pray with expectation that He will carry me up soon.

The Worst!

When trials hit us we often think, "this is the worst thing ever!" When the pain of life seems unbearable we compare it to the worst of what we have had and determine, this must be worse than all that other stuff.

When I was a sophomore in high school and I lost the student council elections by two votes, that was the worst.

When I graduated high school and had to move away from my boyfriend, that was the worst.

When I was a sophomore in college and I got a C in editing, that was the worst. 

When I was 19 and I wanted to go on a missions trip but my parents said no, that was the worst. 

When I was graduating college and my boyfriend said "I love you and I'll call you when I get home," and never called, that was the worst.

When I didn't get the job I thought I was meant for, that was the worst.

When we were struggling financially and someone told me, "aren't you too old to be buying Ramen Noodles," that was the worst.

When my co-teacher got fired under suspicious circumstances, that was the worst.

When I was teaching and got hit by a student, that was the worst.

When we had to move, that was the worst.

When I was diagnosed with a thyroid disease, that was the worst.

When I had a late term fatality and had to deliver, that was the worst.

When I had to have surgery to repair my body after the delivery, that was the worst.

When I had radiation to treat my body, that was the worst. 

When we moved to another country, that was the worst.

When my husband worked a lot, that was the worst.

When my baby was in ICU, that was the worst.

When we moved from the other country, that was the worst.

When my husband traveled a lot, that was the worst.

When my husband didn't work, that was the worst.

When my mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer, that was the worst.

When my mom was sick, that was the worst.

When my daughter wouldn't talk to me, that was the worst.

When my son was diagnosed with autism, that was the worst.

When we couldn't sell our house, that was the worst.

When my husband's job ended, that was the worst.

When I read this list and realize, there is more to come, that is the worst. 

We are never done growing. We are never done learning or changing or coping. It is easy to look at all this junk and ask "why does all this happen to me?" We search for why our God would allow these things to happen. Is it for my good? Is it for someone else's benefit? Will I suffer long? What joy will come from this? We look for a reason. Our focus is so specific to the one, or two or (yuck!) three issues we are dealing with at the time. We have a hard time seeing all the other things happening around us. 

A friend recently told me, she learned to look at the Reason not just the reason. Right now you are probably saying, "she wrote she got a C in editing, but that sentence really doesn't make sense!" :-) The reason (with a little r) can drive us nutty. Searching and searching can make us think we understand God. But His ways are higher than our's and we will not understand His wisdom (Isaiah 55:8-9). We can't possibly understand how our "worsts" fit into His plan. However, when we look at the Reason (with a big r) we can put our focus on what really matters. Looking to Jesus as not just the Reason for the Season, but as the Reason for our life, can drastically change our point of view. We are called to focus on what is true and pure and lovely. (Philippians 4:8) Only one has all those qualities. When we can look at Jesus, we see there is no evil in good. There is no trail too lofty or difficult. We are to bring glory to our Reason. Bringing glory to Him can look all sorts of ways, but one thing would be not to dwell on the worsts but to focus on The Best. 

So to the "worsts" in life, I say, "Ehh..." and know that God has a plan for my pain and it is to bring glory to His son and that is all I need. 

Fitting Isn't It?

It is way easier to trust when things look good.

We are selling our house...ahh trying to selling our house. It has been tough. It doesn't make any sense to me. But lots of stuff isn't making sense lately. We have so many things in the last year that "should" have turned out so differently. So "abnormal" that is must be divine. God must have a plan that makes even the stuff that seems weird, right. If pain is brought from something that "shouldn't" have happened perhaps it is suppose to? I get that this sounds simple. I get that this sounds like it makes sense, but it is super hard to trust as you set about your everyday. Especially when lots of hard things are happening at the same time.

God has a history of making glorious things happen by using people or situations that didn't seem like they would be the right fit.

Peter didn't seem to get the stuff that Jesus was trying to teach. Yet Jesus called him the Rock. I wonder if Peter was like..."don't you mean sand? The stuff you say just seems to slip right through." Moses didn't want to be a leader yet he followed God and trusted Him to do wonderful things through him. I'm sure it didn't seem to fit that the Pharoh's adopted son would be the one so help the Jewish people. God had the Savior of the world come from a tiny, unknown town. No wonder people asked "is this the carpenter's son?" Didn't seem to fit. Saul persecuted believers before he became Paul, a warrior for Christ. I bet that didn't settle well. And for goodness sakes...Abraham couldn't have kids and was told his descendants would out number the stars. Of course he had trouble believing that and took things into his own hands.

With all these examples why should I be surprised that my life doesn't seem to fit the idea of what I thought God would need for me to be His servant? I thought He would need me to be well spoken. I thought He would need me to be well organized. I thought He would need me to be calm. I thought He would need me to be showered...well that one is probably important. But really He doesn't need me at all. God allows us to bring Him glory. He doesn't need me to do it. But He allows me to feel joy from talking about Him. He allows me to feel peace by believing in Him. He allows me to bring Him glory by seeing the work He does in my life.

So perhaps if I focus on these things, it will be easier to trust He will use, all these things that don't seem to fit, to bring Him glory. No matter how I think it looks I can see how He uses each day to bring glory to Himself. And really that is a promise I can always trust. So to my house not selling and my family being a mess...I say Ehh...and trust God to work in the things that don't seem to fit.

Does Anyone Really Change?

So I started this writing thing back when 33 sounded old. Life was probably so much different then but it doesn't seems like it.

I have traveled to many places and lived in lots of spots. I have had another child and taken care of many. I have read a lot of books and watched even more television. I have had loads of conversations and tons of arguments. I have laughed a bunch and cried a lot. I have taught some and learned much. But what does it matter? Am I basically the same as I used to be? I had troubles then, I've got them now. I had joys then, I have them now. I had flabby thighs then and still drag them with me now. 

But surely we grow. Surely we change. Otherwise it wouldn't be said that the older are wiser. Experience must make us adapt. Right?

Just today I said, "I'm so glad this is happening to the me of now, not the me of 10 years ago." I went on to explain that a few years ago I would have been too self-conscious to deal with my current life. Too wrapped up in myself to cope. I'm still self conscious. But I have had to let go of so much. Recently my son was diagnosed with Aspergers. It was a long road to get to this spot. Never did I think the little guy that sang me songs and cuddled me would shout at me and hit me. Never did I think a situation would rock my family, my health and my faith. But all this has happened. And I have had to figure out what to do and how to do it. So how can a woman who hates to make phone calls...call over 15 different offices for referrals and appointments? How can a girl who didn't leave the house with out make up...leave for the day, often without showering or brushing her teeth? How can a lady who thrives on verbal affirmation...hear "you don't know anything!" over and over? How can a person who struggles with anger...walk away after getting hit repeatedly? How can this be me? 

God promises that He isn't finished with me. He promises that He began a good work in me and that He will bring it to completion (Philippians 1:6). So to the question of am I growing, I say "Ehh..." and  believe that because of His promise...I am growing, I am changing, I am getting better...In Christ.